james

So I was at this pub the other night and my hands were juust DRENCHED. I mean, they were really really wet. I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to walk (like a chump) over to the towel dispenser and dispense myself some towels? That's what chumps do. So I thought to myself, if only there was a way I could give someone money to dry them FOR me.

This never happened. It is true that my hands were wet. It is also true that I considered dispensing myself some towel. It is not true that I wished I could pay someone to dry my hands for me. By the time I would have fished out a couple of bucks from my pocket, I would have already half-dried my hands on the lining of my pocket...at which point a hand-drying would not be necessary. Unless I waited until after the hand-drying to pay. But that's just not very plausible.

A dude standing in a washroom, wielding a tube of paper towel, getting mad at you for not giving him your money, is someone that I could do without. I shouldn't feel bad for drying my hands without help. Don't get me wrong, if I took a little spritz of one of the many bottles of cologne lining the sink, I would give him a buck or two. Heck, I'd even pay one canadian dollar to help myself to a slice of gum...that would make a pack of gum worth approximately $12.

Maybe I'm a jerk. Or maybe, I'm a revolutionary. Or maybe (just maybe), I'm a hero.

Think about it.

jt

PS- Ladies, if you don't know what I'm talking about, take a gander into the men's washroom of an upscale pub. You'll see.

Labels: wet hands

My question is this...how does it appropriately describe the genre? Essentially, all it does is tell you what it ISN'T. Which really, shouldn't have narrowed anything down. But English, being a stupid language*, seems to be okay with that. And thus, society accepts this as truth.

Lets see how this haphazardry fares in other social contexts:

FIG 1.
"Hi, what's your name?"
"Well, it's not Josh."
"Oh..."

FIG 2.
"What's your diagnosis doctor?"
"He's got an acute case of non-health. My recommendation is stopping being sick as soon as possible."

FIG 3.
"Which way to the nearest gas station?"
"Under no circumstance should you turn left at the next intersection."


jt



*case in point: the word "though".

Why I am afraid of babies.

It`s not that I am afraid of being pooped on. It`s not that I am worried they will cry if I pick them up. I am not concerned that they might bring up on my shoulder when I am burping them. More, I am afraid that these pudgy little bobble-heads will get injured as a result of my not being careful enough.

I mean. . . for goodness sakes. They have a mushy little spot on the top of their heads, and all they ever do is fall head-first into stuff. . .And its not like they`re those bad guys in video-games, where the mushy spot on the top of their head is their only weakness. Everything injures a baby in SOME way. Even gentle cooing might have negative repercussions in a baby`s developing years. If I were to put a secret weak-point somewhere on the body, it would not be on the head. Maybe the armpit or on the inner thigh. . .someplace that isn`t at the apex of the stumbliest of all mammals.

Also, does anyone else get freaked out when they see someone tossing a baby up and down? I can`t think of anything less appropriate to do to a baby.

In conclusion, if I have a baby, it will wear a helmet.

Sincerely,

James

PS - The apostrophe is still broken. In its place, I have been using the `. Which kind of resembles an apostrophe.

Hello.

So the other day, as I was walking down the street and I heard an annoying jingling sound. I stopped to investigate. Coincidentally, as soon as I stopped walking, the jingling sound had ceased.

Upon further investigation, it turns out that the jingling was coming from my pocket. It would appear that there was a fistful of pennies creating a ruckus in my leftmost pocket.

Now I dont usually complain*, but today I will make an exception.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do we need pennies? Why do we receive them as change? Why doesnt everyone just round down or up accordingly? If we started rounding up or down, in a WORST-case scenario, you would lose a total of 4 cents.

Lets do this math together.

Say the average person has three cash transactions a week. Lets say it was a worst-case scenario for each one. Thats a total of 12 cents lost in a week. 52 weeks in a year = $6.24 a year. The average person lives to approximately 80 years old --probably about 70 of those years you will be buying stuff. 70 years at $6.24 a year is $436.

$436.00 IN A LIFETIME. I paid twice that amount in taxes this past year. Some of which went towards penny-production, which, in 2000, lost us $30 million (which is 3,000,000,000 pennies).

This seems to be a losing battle. I recommend that we all gather up all of our pennies, go to a local shopping mall and throw them in that little pond. You know, the pond that used to have fish, but then people kept putting their grubby change into it until all the fish died.

You guys are nice for listening to me. I like you. Lets be friends.

Love,

jt

PS- the apostrophe key is broken, so I made due without them. Apologies to anyone that cares for grammar.



*yes I do

Labels: pennies

So, we are all going to die. Maybe even sooner than we had anticipated. The cause? ASTEROIDS!

As it turns out, NASA officials know how to detect/deflect any asteroids that might asplode earth. Even an asteroid getting close to the earth might result in an explosion of gargantuan proportion. Supposedly, it would have the force of 90 million tonnes of dynamite.

To avoid instantaneous, excruciating death all we need is $1,000,000,000 USD! That makes it roughly $1,000,000,100 CAD!!

I can imagine that their efforts would look something like THIS.

In conclusion, my belief that working at NASA would be the neatest job in the world is only further reinforced.

Sincerely,

jt

PS- On the plus side, if we all die, at least we have total extinction in common with the dinosaurs. That's pretty swell.